he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
