She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
