You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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