I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
