we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize