You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
