she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
