that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
