Cold hands, warm shart.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize