My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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