have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
