He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
