I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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