She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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