Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
