You're completely useless in the revolution.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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