just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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