His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize