Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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