The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
