This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
