Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
