I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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