It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
