I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
