that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
