I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
