turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I need a burrito and a hug.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
