new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
