is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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