he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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