Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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