Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
