god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
