Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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