Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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