so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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