i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
