Your tits are I can't wait for
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
