Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
