Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
