He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
