My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
