It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
