I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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