I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
