I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
