Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
