She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize