Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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