Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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