I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
