I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
