New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize