I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
