I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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