he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
