What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
