True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
