He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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