Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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