apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
