she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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