Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
