Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
