He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
