i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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