Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
